The Curious Case of Your Ex
- Jerod Williams
- Mar 13
- 2 min read
Updated: Apr 21
Short Answer: If it didn’t work the first time, don’t expect it to work the second.
This is obviously a popular topic. It’s either, “Will they come back?” “How do I get them back?” “How long is no contact?” etc.
Here’s what will happen when and if you get back with an ex:
The initial excitement and emotional high of having their presence again will be soaring. This equates to all the sex, spending time together, and feeling good PRESENTLY. As you both see each other and time moves forward (3-4 months later) the attraction will begin to falter. Why? You are still the same person and she is still the same person. Neither of you changed (nor is it your job to change/fix them.)
The reality is you both are reliving the past through rosy lenses. This is nothing odd, it’s human nature. It’s factored into our evolution and is a mental safety mechanism to help in our ability to navigate adversity. We all want to be positively minded, right? Any self-help guru has the cliché regarding the importance of having a positive attitude, as it aides our esteem to help with inevitable future challenges.
However, when it comes to our romantic pasts, this can be detrimental to our growth. As we romanticize retrospectively upon our ex, this triggers our emotional response and we miss them. Even if we know a situation was toxic, and the people we implicitly trust within our inner circles echo the same, we still tend to view our former flames in a positive light. It did indeed run its course and did not serve us any longer, yet we still reminisce heavily. The reason? You haven’t met anyone else that is adequate, nor have given yourself the chance to. That feeling we had simply hasn’t been elicited yet.
Lower self-esteem is the catalyst to forcing compatibility and staying invested in a subprime situation. This comes in two forms:
1. Fear of not finding anyone better.
2. Fear of loneliness.
Believing in both of these faulty concepts will ruin what’s meant for you. It’s rooted within the sunk-cost fallacy.
Objectivity is always massively difficult when our feelings are so deeply entrenched. Again emotions tend to fog our lenses to reality.
Solution:
If you did truly care for them, you would ALLOW them to choose and respect that. Anything more is SELFISH. True care is freedom. The pain and anxiety you are experiencing is self-centered. CIRCULATE. You must keep socializing and dating. As soon as you talk to someone new you're attracted to, the discomfort will dissipate. OWN who you are. Your style, wit, humor all equates to a higher emotional quotient, thus attractiveness. Everyone loves a happy and confident person anyhow.
As I’ve said many times, 1-30 is a golden ratio for dating, 3-30 if you’re great at socializing.
In short: It’s the scar tissue EARNED in life that builds self-esteem. Be grateful for it, anything less is a sign of a life less lived.